A Long Time Coming

I wrote the post below awhile back, but never posted it. I've been wanting to post about our church for some time, but haven't. This post seems to sum up what I wanted to say. There will be more on this journey. Here's the "post-dated" post.

April Showers Bring May Flowers, May 13, 2008

Here in our household we are certainly hoping that the title is true. The end of April was a big "Whamo" for us. Things went crazy in the span of a week. It's taken me a while to write about it because it's emotional and some things are still painful, and probably will be for a long time. Don't worry, there is nothing going wrong in our marriage or in our family, we've just been dealing with some difficult situations.

The hardest by far is that the church we've been a part of for almost two years now has dissolved. The details aren't necessary, or might not even make sense, but our group of believers that we call church is no more. Not that everyone is gone, we just aren't united in the same body. It was not a vicious or nasty church split, it was just God's timing for the name of our body to dissolve.

This is hard on several fronts. The church had been struggling and going through various issues for a while now, but we know we love the people and the relationships. It seemed like we all had similar ideas as to what church is and many shared a great vision for the nations. It is because of this church that we looked for jobs in our current town and even turned one down that was out of town. It is because of this body of people that we are looking for a house in the locations we are looking. Since the church is dissolved, I feel like I'm floating.

I am also grieving the loss of relationship that will inevitably come. Friendships will change because of this, not because we're mad at each other, but simply because of circumstances. Some are moving, and we will end up as parts of different bodies. I grieve because there are friends that I won't get to be a part of their lives. I won't be near enough to celebrate with them when they have children or grieve with them when they lose a job. Of course, I will still celebrate and grieve with these friends, but it will be different. In building relationships in this body, I took on others' trials and successes as my own. As our relationships change, I feel like I'm losing a part of myself and I won't ever see the outcome of the trials and successes I felt like I was a part of. I also grieve the loss of relationships I didn't have yet. I didn't know everyone extremely well, but I did desire to be a part of their lives and know them as a brother and sister in Christ. That won't happen.

And I will certainly miss all these people being a part of my life. I grieve when I think about the women our daughter won't grow-up around to see as examples of Godly women. It's hard to think about living without the encouragement that so many in that body offered us at times when we needed it. We were a body that spoke truth, even when it hurt. And it was good to have people that cared enough about you to speak truth into your life.

The end of this chapter has left me feeling lonely. We have always had a church home, and from that church came our most crucial friends and the friends that are lifelong friends. Being in America and without a church family makes me feel lost and not sure where to go. Overseas I didn't have a "church" in the sense of the word that is present in America, but I didn't expect that either, it was a nation with a different majority religion. But somehow it feels so much different to not have one now.

I'm also grieving a loss of purpose. Not that I feel like I've lost a purpose for my life, but a purpose as part of a body. The church is the kingdom on earth, we as Christians are the kingdom on earth. Trying to discover what it meant to be the kingdom, and actually being the kingdom with a group of believers has always been a major part of my life. Obviously that won't cease to exist and I'll still seek that, but it will change. The question for us is "Now what?". And I hear the answer "Find a new church." It's just not that simple, it feels like there has been a death. If your spouse dies you can't just go out and find a new one the next Sunday, it doesn't work that way.

Even though the ending of this body is difficult, I look back over the time with this body and realize that God has taught me more about church and Himself than ever before in my life. And that is enough. God works through many avenues and different time spans, and I'm thankful He worked on me, in me, and hopefully through me during my time in our church.

I guess you could call that the beginning of the flood of April showers. There have been a few other circumstances with friends and family that have left us grieving, in shock, and wondering what is going on. But we do know what is going on, God is in control. And He always tells us that He knows best, and He does, even if we don't believe it. So, we are confident that God will heal hurt, restore relationships, and provide what is needed. He is good!

Ok, I know this has gotten long, but I want to leave you with the words to a song that have spoken to me for years. It's "You Are Still Holy" by Rita Springer.

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection
Of Your love

And so I come into Your chamber
And I dance at Your feet, Lord
You are my Saviour
And I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life
Up 'til now
It belongs to You
You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change

Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion
To You